I feel the now familiar weight in my chest, more grieving. This has been lingering and growing for a while and now it has arrived in it’s fullness. A silly little milestone is close to passing and I have to accept that it will be meaningless to my sweet little girl.
She has a loose tooth.
I feel foolish that tears are now running down my cheeks as I type about such a small thing in the scope of a lifetime. It is just a little tooth, but to me it is one more loss. One more thing that I have to accept and choke down. The reality that it will pass by as less important than it is to most kids.
She goes through so much everyday, if any child deserves this little bit of childhood magic it is her.
Will she even see it? Will we just notice one day that it is gone and find it on the floor, dropped with little thought?
We will put on the now routine show of putting it under her pillow like we have for all of our other kids. We will sneak in and replace it while she sleeps looking like an angel, and we will wake her up in the morning and show her something meaningless to her, knowing she probably doesn’t understand.
I know how much we have to be grateful for. She is beautiful and sweet. It is like she is prolonging her babyhood and I get all of the benefits and trials that brings. She will still cuddle with me for hours. She isn’t busy playing with friends. But there is also saddness in the fact that she will cuddle with me for hours and she isn’t busy playing with friends.
I must cling to the thought that she will one day be healed and this will be a less painful memory. I have to get back to the fight that many believe is impossible. I will remember all of the mothers around the world that are fighting with me and the bond that we share. She might not have remembered her first lost tooth anyway, right?
Related Post- http://wakingsophie.com/it-finally-happened-the-tooth-came-out
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5 Comments
Hi, a friend just sent me a link to your blog. My oldest daughter Jessica has autism. I remember when she got her first period. I cried because she has grown up with out talking. I had hoped for her to recover. It’s sad. But as long as I just compare her to her, love her for the wonderful person she is, and not think about what could have been or what will be…I am fine. You might be surprised what your child “gets”.
I use to be sad because of the birthday parties that never were, and never knowing what to get her for Christmas. Now I just see Jessica as her own person. She really likes something’s. I do those small special things with her. And even if taking her window shopping or getting her an IKEA catalog would be nothing to my other children…its just the special stuff she likes. I meet her where she is at and love her there. A lost tooth may have been another Childs mild stone, but your child will just have other mild stones. It always helps me never to compare Jessica to anyone else. It also helps me not to worry about tomorrow but to love the now with her. She is 17 years old and still can not talk. She does write. I know she is smart. She is so sweet and lovely. I wish she was healthy, but I will take her anyway I can. I still look for and pray for a cure. Even if the treatment we do does not cure her, it does help her feel better. It is worth it. My very best to you.
Thank you Amy, You are absolutely right, she will have her own special milestones and I should honor them. Praying for your family.
Sarah
[...] then a month since I wrote my first weepy, whiny post about my little girl’s loose tooth, it finally came out. I started to give my Sophie her [...]
Comment by It finally happened, the tooth came out. | wakingsophie.com on March 23rd, 2009 @ 9:38 amLine and paragraph breaks automatic, e-mail address never displayed, HTML allowed: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>
My darling girl,
You of the beautiful smile and wonderful laugh; you with your fun-loving, adventurous spirit; you with your great compassion, devotion, and deep faith; you, my love, are your little Sophies’ “childhood magic”, every day of her blessed life.
You know that every milestone of my own life was punctuated by my mothers’ own grief, and the words; poor little Susie will never be able to…….., and that I’ve struggled to forgive her and be able to be OK with being happy for myself.
So, grieve when you need to honey, but know that to everyone fortunate enough to know and love you, that you are the magic that lights so many of our lives, and that Sophie will have all the magic a child could ever ask for.
Your MOM
Comment by Mom on January 24th, 2009 @ 12:09 pm