Lately I have felt so unsatisfied. Nothing has changed. My life is the same as always. I am still patiently waiting for Sophie’s recovery, putting bandaids on symptoms again and again and again. The bills are still late. The house still needs cleaning. The kids keep out growing their clothes, threatening me with becoming teenagers. Sophie still isn’t potty trained. I still am not homeschooling the way I would like to. I didn’t spend the time with my girls that I wanted to, or if I did then I neglected something else. Nothing has changed.
I feel like I am always chasing something just out of my reach. How many times have I saved money or waited through adjustment periods to add the one new supplement, hoping that it would have the effect it had on some other child and she will wake up and be cured? One after another they fall, like the clean dishes I spend the end of my day forcing myself to wash.
Yes, I am being gloomy again, but more than that, I am pondering. How much am I missing? Sophie is 5 right now and as much as I want her to be the 5 I dreamed of for her, that isn’t what I have. As much as I want to be that perfect mom with a perfect home and a perfect marriage that isn’t what I have either, but what I have is pretty good.
It is so easy to be lazy in my thoughts. It is easy to let life’s burdens make me feel tired and worn down. It steals the joy of my triumphs way too soon. This is the biggest battle I am fighting, to keep my mind disciplined, to counter the thoughts of hopelessness and to see the grasping for wind as what it is.
How much of the beauty of every day will I miss? How much of my little girl’s childhood is fading as I chase after the childhood I want for her?
Right now she is here and she is 5. She loves to snuggle and hates puppets. She screams and giggles when the wind hits her on breezy days and she thinks the word “oops” is hysterically funny. She is my precious Sophie.
Lord, help me to see the divine in the every day, help me to find the treasure that you have hidden for me in every part of my life, don’t let me miss any sacred thing.
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